This has gotta make it into some looper of some sort. Okay. Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of Raising Kids Who Follow Jesus. I'm Justin, I'm here with Madison. Hello. And we are talking about friendship dynamics today. So I was thinking through all the different friendship dynamics that I've just watched my kids go through over the years, right? And one of those is having lifelong friends because we've been here at this church the whole time that they've been alive. So they've got friends that just have always been here. The church friends. The church friends. One of those dynamics has been uh friends who come and go. Like they've had friends they were really close to, and then those friends move or or change, and there's the challenges of like loss. We've changed schools a couple times. Um so mainly my oldest, uh, he's changed schools twice. Once was a move, the other we we switched him to a private school because he had a really bad experience at the school he was at. Um and it all of it had to deal with like friendship dynamics. Um and so like kids that are, you know, from your kids' perspective, they're they're jerks and they're this and they're that. And what do you how do you deal with that? And how do you like I was just thinking, or or now it's like as a parent that's this age, you start to know kids a little bit and you want your kids to be friends with certain kids. Sure. And there's other kids that if you're just gonna be honest, you don't want them to be friends with. And so when you see like you're trying to kind of play matchmaker with friends, right? And maybe if they're starting to hang out with someone you're like, I don't like that kid. And you're like, hey, no, um, what if you know you try to figure out how to can I choose my friends, my child's friends for them? There's so many dynamics because friends are one of the most central parts of childhood development. You you will very often talk like your friends, think like your friends, uh look at life through the same lens as your friends. Yeah, and I've I've got a verse. What's your verse? First Corinthians 15, 13. Don't be misled. Bad company uh corrupts good morals. Do you think it's talking about is that a prophetic verse about the band Bad Company? I don't know. Like if you listen to the band Bad Company. Is that a band? You know the band Bad Company? I'm sorry, that was a horrible joke. But no, it's true. Bad bad friends. Like bad friends make you do stupid stuff. Oh man. I mean you you right away you go to like Proverbs chapter one, where it talks about, you know, if if you like walk the same path as fools, right, you know, or evil people, um, wicked people, and being friends with wicked people is something that uh David talked about a lot in some of the Psalms. Like Psalm 1 actually has some of that stuff. Yeah. So yeah, no, absolutely. You you will see your kids become friends with people, you'll be like bad company. Yes, oh no, alarm bells go off. No, no, no. It's like it's like just underneath the whole like your kid decides to to have romantic attachments to someone you don't like. Those alarm bells might be a little bit louder at first. Sure. But actually, the friend one, they're gonna be so Yeah, because I think for me, the stupidest decisions I made were under pressure of my friends. The the dumbest ideas I had were basically me just copycatting something my friends believed or said. And so Oh yeah. No, I mean I I can remember moments where I was hanging out with that group and just the are you our combination of personalities and and that sort of like uh confidence you have when you're with a group of friends that allows you to do dumb stuff. It allows you to like walk through the neighborhood and like not and like kind of yell something at a cop as they drive by. Did you do that? You know, no, I don't know if I yelled something at a cop. I can't imagine you're just yelling at cops. You're just like goofy. You're just like being Yeah, you're just you're your IQ. It like there's a weird it drops. There's like a group IQ level. Not like I hate you yelling at a cop, but more just like like I dare you just to go like stick your tongue out at them. It's like what are you talking about? Well, and if I can just pull the curtain back a little bit more uh I guess vulnerable. Like some of the biggest entanglements I had with sin as a kid, things I got exposed to. Sure. Um, I was at a friend's house. It's like I would spend the night somewhere, and it's not my parents' fault, they had no idea. Right. But like I rem and I have this distinct memory. Um, this is I'm not saying this to like shock or scare parents, but I spent the night in fourth grade with a kid named Ryan. And I can say it because who knows. I had a kid named Ryan who showed me like horror horror movies. Oh, this is no Ryan wasn't. Is it the same Ryan movie? It may be the same Ryan. What a weird thing. It's no, this Ryan lived in Missouri, and I don't even remember his last. I think I do remember his last name, I don't want to say it. Sure. But either way, um, this is 25. Yeah, no, I know it's like 30 or something like that. No way we knew the same Ryan. Right, I know. So this Ryan, I spend the night at his house. On his walls are posters of naked women. Yeah, I had that with friends. Not not like he had didn't have hidden. No, it was on his walls. Yeah. And his mom would like bring you pizza rolls. And there's naked. He's in the fourth grade. And I'm and when my mom said, sure, Justin would love to spend the night, she didn't go. Hey, quick question. Do you have naked pictures of women on the walls of the game? So how many? How many? I just want to like that's not even a thing you you would think to ask, but here, just by me going over to this friend's house, right? I'm like exposed to this stuff. Yeah. And in their home, it was normal. Yeah. I don't get that. But my point is that's a friend. It's just that friendship led to that. Yeah. And so I guess And then we watched Ace Ventura Pet Detective. Dude, your your childhood is so close to my childhood. Yeah. I've what things have been. I'm thinking of I'm thinking of bad, like bad friends I had, and Ace Ventura Pet Detective was a keystone feature of that relationship. So uh I guess the question is like, how do you control that? And the answer is you you can't control that to a large degree. Um but there are I think a couple things you can control, and it's like the uh what you can't control is like potential environments um to some to some degree. And then you can you can control um the tools you're equipping them with. I think that's a phenomenal way to look at it, just saying, okay, what is in the realm of my control and what is not. Right. And to understand there will be situations you can't control, but there are situations you do control, and I have seen a lot of parents almost talk themselves out of the reality that they have control somewhere. Like for example, I think of my home. My home is is in my control. Right. I can determine who is at my house and who is not. So there was a there was a boy, when I won't I won't say his name. Ryan. Um Ryan. No, there was a boy that uh when my oldest was in the first grade, they were in class together, and they were they were in our neighborhood because they rode the same bus. And he's like, hey, can you come over? And I was like, sure. And it was a first grade kid. Is this the kid that destroyed your tree? Uh no, that was that was another neighbor. Okay. Yeah, he did. He was wild. He broke so much stuff. But this kid's similar situation. You know, I've rate up to this point, my oldest kid, like I've had him in my house for years. I know how he's wired, right? This kid's in our house for 30 minutes. I come downstairs to our basement, and like multiple ceiling tiles are broken. And they're throwing apples, whole apples, at our wall, and they've splattered, and there's just apple juice running down the wall. And it's like staining the and I look at my son, I'm like, and I know that I know it wasn't. I mean, number one, he was involved. Sure. Yeah. But like he's been in my house. You didn't come up with that idea. This never happened before. Right. Like we've had apples the whole time, we've had ceiling tiles the whole time, and he's never this kid was like crazy like that. Yeah. And I just was like, he's never coming over again. And he just said, go home. Did you send the kid home? Yeah, I was like, hey, it's time to go. And then I told him, like, yeah, I don't want that kid over. Yeah. And I and you can just tell that the kid, you can just tell. Yeah. Like, unless things change, this kid's heading in a bad direction. And I just so my point, even in the first grade, so we just decided, I remember telling, telling Liam, hey, he's not, we're not gonna have him over anymore. You can like, it doesn't mean you can ever play with them at school. It's just I just because of that, yeah. So that's within my realm of control. And when you're real, when your kids are real young, like most of that's in your control. Like you can you can individually hand pick, like whoever shows up to a four-year-old's birthday party is like friends of the parents and their kids. And like maybe maybe some friends from school or daycare or whatever that looks like. And so um, but as they get older, fifth or sixth grade, into high school, like they're choosing their friends from the situations that they're put in. And the analogy I came up with is like stocking the fridge when you're on a diet. Like, if you're on a diet, find things you like to stock the fridge with so that it's just like the easy stuff to grab is right there. Um, for me, it's like I like carrots fine, but I'm not I'm not gonna eat them if they're still in the bag. I don't know why. I just I like I have to like put it in a little Tupperware thing, and then I'll be like, oh, I'll take that to work and then I'll be fine for it. But if I have ice cream in the fridge, you're not choosing carrots over ice cream. Correct. I will eat the I'll eat the whole thing of ice cream. And so having that those environments just stocked with people where you're like, okay, I know that at this setting, and for us it's like at church, like bringing my kid to church, the setting that they're around, the the stock that they're pulling from could potentially include other people uh whose their kids, like their families, like they're really all about Jesus, like they're following Jesus too. Um, but if the only environments they're in is like, I'm gonna go hang out at the mall, I don't know if kids do that anymore. But like back in my day it was like Actually, I I think they do if they can. Yeah, let's go hang out at the mall. It's like, well, you don't know who's at the mall. Like, no, it's a good point. I mean, obviously, like you don't have total control over you don't have control over your child's level of buy-in with your what you like. My kids complain about what we put in the fridge sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, there's none of this. You know, it's like, yeah, that's on purpose. Right. Um sometimes they may not be excited about it, but I do think that I think that matters a ton. And I'll I'll use so I was a youth pastor for seven years. Um you've been a how long have you actually been a youth pastor now? It's been a while. What year is it? What year is it? Um 2023. 2023, so six years probably. Dude, you're about to yeah, you're about to be a longer tenure. Well, if I make it through year seven. That's true. Well, the jury's still out on that. We'll see. But you're you're approaching, yeah. That's like in a youth pastor world, that's like you're like a guru. Yeah, if you make it past three years, you're you're like, whoa, yeah, you've seen things we've not even. If you've graduated more than two cohorts, you're like, you're like the master. Well, this is something I saw happen a lot. Um, and and so funny, it's my my sort of tenure as a youth pastor, I'll kind of pull back because I do think both of us will agree. If you want to help raise kids who follow Jesus, putting them, having them be incredibly involved at your church to whatever degree that's possible for your family. Right. That's a high, should be a high priority. And if the youth group isn't if it's if if it's like dead, dying, you know, sometimes that's a reality at certain churches. I'm I'm not telling you to leave, right, but like that's your kids need that. I'll say as the youth pastor, like part of the reason why it might be dying is because everyone looks at it and goes, like, I don't want to go to that. I'll be one of only s eight kids. Yeah, so my my story there is pretty interesting. When I first came here, the junior high and high school were together. Yeah. And I separated that pretty fast. That would have been right around the time you came as a sixth grader. So we had a junior high thing, we had a high school thing. And the junior high thing was on Wednesday nights. Okay, because that's kind of like church, you know, we have our main stuff now is on Sunday mornings. Right. But um we do have Wednesday night Bible studies for junior high and high school and whatnot. But uh anyway, so I was also in charge of the elementary for a while. And I would notice that like I'd have these kids on Sunday mornings that were there almost every Sunday, and then they just wouldn't make the jump to middle school.

Right.

And so I remember I would like hype it up. I'd be like, hey, you guys gotta come, it's gonna be awesome. We we do all this stuff to sort of tease it, talk to parents, and then maybe 50% would show up the first time, and then it would dive pretty fast. Because what I found was, oh, the parents don't that they're not willing to make that the sacrifice, yeah, or yeah, driving. It's another night of the week. Yeah, we're not a neighborhood church, so it's kind of a destination drive for everybody. And you know, kids get busy, they get they got sports, they've got all kinds of stuff, and then it takes them away. And what I saw happen, this was a dynamic I saw very often. Maybe you've seen it too, is I saw kids go from like elementary, fourth, fifth grade, they knew a lot of kids, they're super they're happy when they're here. And then they kind of disappeared for a few years. And this was back before we had this stuff all on Sunday morning, right? That's one of the reasons we made that change, because then you don't have to be a good thing. Youth group is now Sunday morning. It's Sunday morning because that's they don't have to transition to another day of the week. We have extra stuff on other days, but either way, why I made that transition because I'd see these kids disappear, and the parents no, no big deal. Your kid in the sixth grade is pretty similar to who they were in fifth grade. But by the time eighth, ninth grade was rolling around, I would have parents resurface almost like in desperation mode. But now it was such an uphill battle to get their kids re-engaged because the kids were like, I don't know any of those kids, and I don't want to go. And and the parents had to make them or there was some some conflict. But I would even still encourage them, yeah, try it. Try it because it's worth it. But my point is, man, the kids that just didn't have that gap where it was a priority from the get-go and they were involved. You were one of those kids where I'm not sure you had weeks you weren't there, sure. But I would remember, like, oh, Madison's not here. That's kind of a weird week, right? Right. From sixth grade all the way through twelfth grade. You were you and a bunch of people were hyper consistent in the depth of relationship, and I mean it was huge to watch. Yeah, and I think it can be intimidating when you're on the other side of one of those breaks or gaps or a move or whatever it is to feel like, well, if I bring my kid to youth group, like there are those kids. There is that consistent group that's they're there, but they're only friends with each other. So they're not gonna see my kid. Um and I would just say, like, hey, like come up with a a really great plan, talk to the people that lead the group, you know, whatever would be best to get them in involved, um, and take their phone away before you drop them off. So they don't just sit on their phone and use that as a I mean if your kid is like one of those kids where it's like they like have a tendency to run away and I'm gonna need to get in contact with them, it's like keep keep the phone with them, it'd be great. But if they're if it's not many kids, though. No, right, definitely, especially for us, not on Sunday morning. That's not really happening. No, no runners. No one's walking up, no one's like, I was just gonna go to steak and shake at 10 a.m. on Sunday morning. Our church is surrounded by a Target, a steak and shake. Um I just gotta grab gym shorts at Target. It's like, why are you going to do that? I would have kids like, where are you going, man? It's like, you know, Oh, just to just go to Target real quick. It's like, no, no, you can't why? I would I had kids be some of the harder kids like, why? Right. I was like, well, because your parents dropped you off here. Yep. And they'd be like, well, they don't mind. I was like, well, I'll talk to them when they pick you up. I mean, I have a I have a you do understand I have a baseline responsibility to keep you in the same address. I don't know where your parents I think he he said he was going to get gym shorts at Target. Sounded plausible. I can't but if your kids, so if your kid's not like that, like at the youth group you drop them off at, like you will obviously like the the youth, the the leaders there will take care of your kids. They'll they'll make sure that they're in the same spot when you pick them up. Right. Um, but not having that phone is like 15 minutes of dread and anxiety, and then there's like that decision point of like, am I gonna cower in the corner without a phone to rely on? Because like being in the corner with a phone, everyone will leave you alone. Right. Being in the corner without a phone, you're like, I think I'm gonna go play ping pong. Right. You're like, I don't want and and the reality is like it it helps. Yeah. I was even talking to a kid, um I was doing some basketball training. Um, I do a little bit on the side every once in a while. I love basketball. And so there's this uh family that I know, and they were wanting to work with their kid who's who's freshman in high school. And where they go to school is kind of far away from here. They go to church here on Sundays, but there's not that many kids from their school here. Sure. But I told them, I actually had that experience in high school, and I said, actually, that's a cool thing. Because well, why, yeah, I could see it could be cool that you go to church with all the same kids you go to school with. It's actually really nice to have a different friend group. Yep. Because maybe sometimes there's drama at school, and that drama doesn't follow you to youth group, and you have kind of a break from and maybe maybe some of the friends you have at school you need a break from, and having a separate set of friends, I was actually able to be myself more at youth group than I was at school because it was a healthier environment. We have a college-age student, I'll just call him Michael, it's not his real name, but he goes by Michael when he's here. But I found out through some mutual friends that they know him as Mikey, and I was like, Oh, like he's Mikey to you. He's totally Michael to me. And so I asked him about it, and he's like, honestly, like I've been Mikey for so long that I just want to just be Michael here. And interesting. That's like, okay, cool. Like I don't know you as anything different, so we're gonna we're gonna try to get out of here. It's kind of a chance here to go. I don't have to be that. Yes. No, I think that that's really important. Now, I think there's a there's a point, obviously, as kids get older, they're gonna have normally more say in their friends, right? They start having cars, they start having and I think it becomes important at that point where okay, as a parent, you do have control. I love the stocking the fridge analogy because like you do have you can determine who comes over to your house, you can determine where you're okay with your your kid going. Right. And you can if you can endure your child not liking you every once in a while, like that's a huge deal as a parent. It's almost like, you know, my my oldest plays sports, and it's or even go to my my my daughter, Lily, loves ballet and she's in a super intense ballet class. Right. And it's like, hey, if you want to do ballet, you gotta be able to do the splits. You gotta be flexible. It's just it's you if you can't be flexible, you can't do ballet. Yeah. And she works really hard at that stuff. Well, as a parent, you gotta be able to endure your kids thinking you're lame, like not liking you, thinking your rules are stupid. You have to have an endurance, you cannot be desperate for them to like you. It's hard to endure that. But if you can endure that, you have control over where they go, whose house they're at, who comes over to your house. But there will come a point where your kids start choosing their friends, and you don't have as much say. And I think at that point, you've got to teach them how to choose friends. Yes. And what to value in their friends. Well, and I think starting, this is like the lifelong thing. It's an identity thing. Like, I never I always felt I've I've been like a confident person, probably unrealistically confident, like doesn't match with reality in terms of like I didn't have swagger, I just was overly confident. No, I remember you in middle school, even we would we would joke like you seemed so comfortable with yourself. Yes. And comfort and confidence are tied together, but you didn't have this like, yo, I'm there were kids that presented that, but it was almost always insecurity based. It was easy to tell. But yeah, I guess but because I was comfortable with myself, and I don't know where that came from. I I think the Lord just was favoring me, but I did I did feel like I got to choose. Like I got to choose my girlfriend, I got to choose my friends. Like there was this like always on the table of like, yeah, if I didn't want to be friends with them, it wouldn't be the end of the world, like with the current the current setup. And for me, like I might have just been lucky in experiencing that, but I think as a parent, there are some like really basic things that you can do to um to instill that into your kid. And I I brought I got another verse, um, Ephesians 3. Um, for this reason I bow my knees uh before the Father, from whom every family in heaven on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory, he may grant you to be strengthened with the power through his Holy Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith, that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints the breadth and length and height and depth to know the love that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with the fullness of God. That's it. Filled with the fullness of the five. I uh I I I taught on that a couple of years ago. And that that one verse or couple verses that you read there has like more like uh qualifying, like in commas, this having this, having in this and considering this and th yeah. Yeah, and so I think the things that jumped out to me is like if your kid is rooted and grounded in love, and that's like the love of Jesus in your family, um, and if they are filled with the fullness of God, like they will have the freedom to know the right thing to choose. I guess that's uh I guess starting with the identity there of like if they're comfortable and confident who they are, yeah, they're not gonna choose friends just because they're really insecure and these people correct because there's acceptance. Right. Um they're just dra they're just hungry. A lot of kids are just hungry for acceptance. Right. And so if your home is a place where they don't feel insecure, they're not gonna look for the security like in something else, like another friend who's the uh opposite of what you would say. And I mean, there's there's normal dynamics when kids want to be cool, kids want to be, and there are going to be certain groups that have a pull because being a part of that group may offer you know some type of status, some type of felt, yeah, whatever. And that's always gonna be the case. Trevor Burrus, Jr. And honestly, they might need to be part of that group. They might either need to learn the lesson at a young age where the stakes are low, or they might need to influence that group if you're the kid if you have a kid that that has the faith to be part of the you know, the basketball team with a bunch of intense dudes, but they're the one that loves Jesus and can set the tone for them. Aaron Powell I think that you know, like I I've always told, like, okay, we'll go another scripture, Proverbs 27, I'm pretty sure it's 27. But it just says, walk with the wise and become wise. You know, associate with fools and experience. Yeah, experience, yeah, your life will be ruined. Um, I'm I think I'm mixing a couple of uh of uh translations together. But but yeah, it's like the it's like the positive version of what you said, like like you know, bad company corrupts good morals. Well, good company helps build that. And I was talking to a kid years ago, I was still the youth pastor, and he needed to do a bunch of community service. Hours like a bunch. Yeah. And I was like, why? Why do you need that many hours? He's like, Oh, well, you know, I got the court told me to for this thing. I was like, Why'd you do that? Yeah. And he's like, I was with my friends. He got to blame it all on his friends. Right. He was like, Well, I didn't really, I didn't really do it. He said, I was with my friends and they were doing, I was just there. I was like, Man, you gotta get better friends. And he looked at me like shocked, like, how could you say that? I was like, Well, I'm just saying that if I hang out with my friends, the likelihood of us being arrested is really low. And so it's just nice that when I'm with my friends, I don't have to worry about that. Right. And he kind of was like, he's young and they could tell this was not his normal paradigm shift. And I said, Hey man, okay, here's the way it works. Choose choose your friends strategically. Do not let life choose your friends for you. Right. You know, when I when I pick, like I'll I'll play basketball um every once in a while, and and I get to if I get to pick the team, I mean, I want to win. So do I just pick people like he makes me laugh, so he's on the team. Yeah. Um, he's like you know, what he's real f whatever it is. Like, no, I'm going, well, who's gives us the band best chance to win? And I will say especially when you're young, right? If if kids could understand that, to say, hey, look, I'm not saying be selfish, but be strategic. Be strategic because uh you do have the ability right now to choose friends. And if you choose wise friends at a young age, and wise I would determine would be kids who who are like they have faith in God and they take life seriously. Not that they don't have fun, right? But they're not just chasing momentary pleasure all the time. Someone who can say sorry when they've messed up, correct. Someone who can acknowledge that they messed up, you know. Man, number one, uh you have no idea how long those connections will sometimes play into play into each other. Like there's there's like when you're especially high school aged, the decisions you're making for your friends often stretch further than just your high school years. It's not like you graduate and then even for me, I went to high to college a thousand miles away. Right. Okay. I my graduating class was small. It was a private school and it's grown a lot since I was there, but there's only 22 students in my graduating class. And just the other day, I was at an event where I was praying, the worship leader was someone from my school, and Megan, my wife, from my school. And so, like, like it's amazing how often those those decisions of friends that you make in your teenage years actually carry, they have longer, you know, yeah, influence on your life than you might realize. And that's what I tell a lot of the kids when um there's like this dynamic at church where it's like they come in pairs and they don't talk to anyone else other than their other than their pair. And so I'm like, I I tell them, they're like, well, they're just my friend from school. Um, and we talked about the friend from school dynamic. But I was like, hey, listen, the only person I know who went to my school that I still talk to is the person I married, because I married Hannah, who we started dating in high school. Um, that's the only person, right? Literally no one else do I know from school do I still talk to. Right. Um caveat being I have lots of high sch friends from high school when I was in high school, but they're all from here from your youth group. Yeah, they're all from my youth group. And so and you're not like 25 anymore. Well, I'm 28, so yeah. Okay. So what do you mean? Well, no, but I I maybe I would have been better if I said like 21. It's not like you're you you've had a several life stages in between high school. It's not like you're in college and it's just they're the ones I mean. They're still around, yeah, that kind of thing. But no, correct. You have, I mean, I can think of just for you, it's like I can think of five or six people that are in your regular life or became my coworkers, some of them. Coworkers. If if your kids are having a birthday party, go into the Yes. And so you're stocking the fridge. Yes, with the same people that were stocked in your Yeah. And so I think just acknowledging that, like when you graduate from high school, you don't have to graduate from your church. Yeah. Um, and for friends, a lot of time it's placed it's based on that setting. And so that's good. That setting can stick around for a lot longer than I I church is a big part of it. It's not the one solution you that doesn't mean the if your kids don't have friends at church that I mean there there's obviously good friendship dynamics that you can have outside of that. But man, if you're in a church that has a healthy, thriving youth group, and your kid I'll say this, if you if you're I mean, obviously there's gonna be parents who like our kids are already super involved in youth group, we're there, check that box, cool. Well, for you, just keep being super intentional. Right. I would say begin to teach your kids the right filters and what what they should be looking for in friends. Um But like and don't be overly controlling about like when the spontaneous things happen. Okay. To say, like, like for example, last night, uh it's it's winter or fall break right now, right? And so our high school Bible study isn't meeting. Um, some of the kids organized amongst themselves, hey, we're gonna go meet at a jumpy place. Okay. And I could see a lot of parents being like, I don't know those kids. Like, oh my gosh. You know what I mean? And it's not a church sponsored event. You know, we're not like at the church sort of thing, um, where it'd be like, because I don't know the main kid that sent the first text out, like, no, you can't go to that. Oh, wow. And I don't know if that happened, but I'm saying, like, there's lots of parents that that end up doing stuff like that. But to say, like, hey, a bunch of church friends are going out to do a thing, can I go with my church friends? Is it just like be willing to have a little bit more flexibility with that with spontaneous things like that that happens? Because that's how a lot of friendship building happens. Yeah. And and again, part of your control, I guess what you're saying there, because I was thinking about what I said earlier, like, you know, you have control over who they hang out with. Like, that doesn't mean I guess an extreme version of that is if I don't know them and have had met with their parents, right? That at a certain age, maybe, and or if your kid has proven that you have to be that involved, maybe, because some kids have a bad track record. Yeah. Um, but no, no, no. When the church thing does give you some semblance of trust in that obviously you can't I mean, I was a youth pastor. We had kids, we had moments at youth group that were like, that shouldn't have happened. Yeah. There are there are kids who don't love Jesus at youth group. Other kids who are just learning how to love Jesus at youth group. Especially, you know, they're they're young and they're testing all kinds of I get it. It's not like youth group is a perfect or the church kids are all perfect kids, not at all. However, I also, as a youth pastor, went into public schools to do certain things. And youth group was better. Like I just tell you, it was a better environment. So yeah, no, I think let them build those things up. But my point is as they get older, prepare them to make their own, to choose their own friends. Teach them those filters, help them understand, like, hey, what are you looking for in a friend? Most kids are not self-reflective. There's the older they get, the more self-reflective they are. But like very few junior high, if there's like a junior high girl that's boy crazy or middle school, I'm I know I'm trying to start saying middle school. I'm from the Midwest, and I guess people have been telling me no one calls it junior high anymore. Yeah, well, no one I think ever called it junior high. I think I just inherited calling it junior high from you. So I mean, I'm sorry. No, it's okay. Middle school, like if there's a girl who's boy crazy middle school, she's probably never gone, why am I boy crazy? Right. Why do I always need to have a boyfriend? There must be some insecurity inside of me. There's a god-shaped hole in my heart. Right, there's not that. But you have to be the one that helps them ask those questions. Like, hey, what what are you looking for in a friend? Like what do you value in the world? And I can do that. I have a lot of like um ability to do that at youth group, you know, asking those questions as we have a bunch of teenagers sitting in the room. Right. But a parent has that opportunity all week long. Everyone. Yeah, you don't want to offload everything to the youth pastor. So, you know, teach them that. And then I think as parents, ask yourself the question do I choose friends like that? Do I model for my kids? You know, we we've got a uh a couple of friends that are, we call it family. Like we're friends and family, like we kind of blend a lot. And I'm grateful for the fact that when my kids are around me, around my friends, my kids are around me while I'm around my friends. They can see what friendship does. They can see those filters. Yeah. It's not like, hey, uh, I know that this per like don't repeat anything they say. Yeah. They're they're just we always go into the man cave whenever that and you don't see that. You don't know. It's actually very, we're all together, right? And I think that I'm hoping that there's some, you know, one of my main major filters for friends is friends who uh they don't they make me more excited about life. Like that was one of my big like if I hang out with someone and all we talk about is the negative stuff and all of that, it's just I don't have a lot of room for that. But if I'm around people and like they're just when I'm after 10, 15 minutes with them, I'm like, yeah, I'm I'm like, I'm just motivated to be more not like I'm comparing myself to joy. They bring me joy, and I go, man, I love life when I'm around these people. I want my kids to see that too. So I think that teaching your children, being willing to have those conversations and not just telling them things, but asking them questions. Why are those people your friends? What do you want in a friend? What do you value most in a friend? Most kids have never thought about those things, but it's not a long walk mentally to get there. I sat with a middle schooler who essentially said, uh, I just wanted friends. And that's like as far as it went. They didn't care who their friends were. They just they just wanted friends, and so they ended up with a with the wrong crowd. And uh it was like, oh, like out of just a desperation, feeling like you couldn't get any friend you wanted, you just settled for these as friends. It's kind of how I got to a Christian school. I was public school my whole life, except for a really small stint in eighth grade. It was kind of between schools, and I got in a fight, and my parents were yeah, it was it was that's a different story. But um, all the way up until halfway through 10th grade, public school. And then we moved here. I got in with uh my neighbor, was a a girl, she was 16. I was uh 16, she was 17, I don't know she was a year older than me. Super popular at the public school that I was at and wild, like wild and wealthy. So it was like I I hung out with them a few times and it was it was like it was kind of like a movie. Yeah, it's kind of like this is not, you know. And my parents wised up to that, yeah, and pretty quick I'm changing schools. Yeah. And it was one of the greatest things they ever did in my life. Right. Because they they recognized I need to remove, they saw something so potentially dangerous that they removed me from it. As a as an older teenager, too. As an older, I was 16. Yeah. And like, hey, you're going to this school now. And you know, they didn't that school, kind of like we were talking about, it was a Christian school. And uh I actually have a friend that graduated with me, and I wish a school would do this. Because it no one will, though. He's like, I I literally have the best selling point for Christian schools. Which is our worst kids are better than the other worst kids. He's like, if he's like, no one will ever put that on there. Because he said, he, and here was him. He said, and I this actually might speak to some parents if they've made it all the way through here. He it was actually uh Steve who started his hands, his son. Okay. We graduated together. We weren't we were friendly, we got along, but we weren't in the same circle, we didn't have the same interests, but we did we did have some overlap. Anyway, he he'll just tell you, he's like, I was always the kid who was gonna be drawn to the most fringe kids. Wow. He's like, I just I have a rebellious nature. Wherever I was, I was going to be drawn to the whatever kids were the most. He said it's just that at the Christian school that we went to, the the worst kids. The worst kids are playing like friendly pranks. Yes, the worst kids are saying cuss words they shouldn't say. They're probably smoking some cigarettes. Back then, I don't think kids smoke cigarettes as much now. Vaping. Vaping. Um when their parents aren't around. Right. But I went to public school. And it's not that different today. Right. Like it is in the fact that people have phones, but beyond that, the worst kids were a lot worse. Yeah. And he's like, I would have been drawn to that. And he said, and I would have been in all kinds of intense stuff. And I there's actually truth to that. That when you put your kids just by changing the environment, my parents put me in a place where it just I would have had to go out of my way to be as crazy, as rebellious, as you know, uh trying stupid stuff. It would have been, yeah, it would have it would have been much more shocking for you to get that that far. And most kids are not wired completely like so. He's recognizing he's a little different. Yep. But he's like, Yeah, my high school friends were fine. Yeah. They were just like detention at a Christian school for cutting up a little too much. Right. So we've got stocking the fridge, environments, and you can adjust the settings. Like if you think that the basketball team or the football team is like, oh yeah, I don't respect the coach and his beliefs. I don't like the anyone on the team. Like I see things happening that are really unhealthy. Yeah, maybe not the football team for your kid and find another outlet for sports or something, or if it's the wrong school, or if you're not sure. You can change. I mean, yeah. That's a whole different company. Yeah, it's that's a big decision. But my point is don't as a parent just recognize what your options are. Right. And that you actually have a few nuclear options. You do have a few. That's the point. Yeah. If it gets real, real bad. Yeah. But then, you know, instilling into them their identity so that they have the tools to equip, like to, to choose, like, hey, this is a strategic friend. This helps accomplish the goals you have in life. This makes you feel better. Um, I think those two things would just be We'll wrap up with this too. Use your youth pastor. What I mean by that is if anyone ever came to me and said, Hey, here's what my child is dealing with, right? They really struggle with friends. It I was able, and you're really good at this too. You can do some covert ops as a youth pastor. We go, okay, just bring them and I will like nudge connections. And there were times I did that even when you were a student. I was like, Hey, there's this, there's this person coming. This is kind of their. Could you talk about it? Could you just please make sure that they get and they're like, Yes. And and there were some really good things that happened from that. Yeah, and just to know that I again your mom did that with you the first time you came. I'm sure. She's like, he's really lonely. Um, he has his social skills are not weird really. No, but no, it wasn't you. But I did have parents who who like they felt for their kids and they said they need help. And those kids actually got in with really great kids, and it was helpful for them. Yep. All right. All right. So amazing kids who follow Jesus. Stock the fridge. Nuk the fridge if you have to. Nuked. But it's important. Uh bad company corrupts good morals. Walk with the wise, become wise. Yep. And teach your kids how to do that. All right. See ya.